I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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