im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
