How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
