You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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