I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
