Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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