I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
