this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
