i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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