I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
