i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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