maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
he was CRYING into my vagina
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
