6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect