I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol