I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.