even my farts smell like vagina
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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