He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
