i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Randomize