i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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