It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
