I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
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