Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
