hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
