I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
