You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
