i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
