about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
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I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
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My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
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