I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
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You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
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It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?