eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago