Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
