she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
