Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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