i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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