There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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