Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
you made out with another girl for some wings
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