No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
