and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
