Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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