I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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