tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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