He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Sext me about skeletons
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
