Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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