I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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