My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
