im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
