Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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