when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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