Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
