Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize