Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
