come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
