I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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