I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
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Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
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Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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