it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
