ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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