Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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