I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
