question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Randomize
