I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
