I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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