I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
