i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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