I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
